Scottish Humour
- Old Age Doesn't Come Alone



We all grow older at the same rate but some of us are out in front...

Age Priority
Willie and Jeannie McCotton were getting on in years but still liked to go out to smart restaurants on special occasions. So to celebrate the 65th birthday of their first son, they took a taxi to the up-market Pompadour Restaurant in Edinburgh's Caledonian Hotel. But as they hadn't made a reservation, they were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. Willie McCotton frowned and addressed the head waiter: "Young man, we're both 90 years old. We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

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Healthy Living
A recent study by a Scottish university claims that elderly people who drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. The report goes on to say that they need that extra bone density - they're the ones falling down the most....

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Good Exercise?
Geordie's grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and the family don't know where the blazes she is....

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Healthy Living
At long last Donald responded to all the government propaganda about losing weight and exercising. So he joined a health club, believing that the annual fee of 400 would be well worth it. Six months later he was talking to one of his drinking buddies (he had cut down on that to just four times a week) and commented that he hadn't lost a pound. His friend, who knew the background, shook his head and observed: "But Donald, you actually have to go there - paying 400 only lightens your wallet."

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Valentine's Day Surprise
It was St Valentine's Day in Auchengillan and Sandy McTavish, the local travel agent, was in a good mood. Bookings over the winter had been well up on the previous year and profits had been sky high. So when he looked out of his window and saw an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the window at the posters showing glamorous destinations around the world, he experienced a rare feeling of generosity (and saw an opportunity for some free publicity in the local newspaper). He called the dejected couple in (out of the rain) and announced: "On your pension you could never hope to have a holiday abroad, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense - and I won't take no for an answer." He gave them two flight tickets and a room in a five star hotel in sun-drenched Tenerife for two weeks. About a month later, the little old lady came in to his shop. Sandy asked "And how did you like your holiday?" The old lady replied: "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely. I've come to thank you - but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

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Experience of Life
A well-worn Royal Bank of Scotland 1 note and a 20 note in a similar well-used state arrived at the bank's cash centre in Edinburgh to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they began to compare their experiences. The 20 note had been to the finest hotels and restaurants across the country, been used to buy theatre tickets and train and airline tickets, even been accepted in night clubs in London (after being held up to a bright light). The 1 note was impressed at the exciting life of its relative. Then the 20 note asked "Where have you been in your lifetime?" The 1 note, trying to think of places to impress, said "Well, I've been to the collection plates in the Church of Scotland, the Catholic Church, the Free Church of Scotland, the Presbyterian Church..." The 20 note interrupted at that point to ask "What's a church?"

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Heavens Above
Fiona was an expert harpist who frequently was asked to play for weddings, receptions, parties and other such events. She was also a blonde and had an angelic, cherubic face. She was on her way to an engagement in a hotel in Edinburgh and stepped into the lift (elevator) with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed, an elderly gentleman stepped on. As the lift rose, he looked thoughtfully, first at Fiona and then her harp and asked, "How far up does this lift go?"

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How Long Will I Live?
Mrs McFlannel was most upset when she phoned her doctor early one morning. She asked the doctor in a trembling voice: "Is it true that the medication you prescribed for me yesterday has to be taken for the rest of my life?" The doctor confirmed this was the case. After a moment of silence Mrs McFlannel continued, "I wonder then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'No Refills'."

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Life Support
Morag McMurtrie was getting on in years and she was visiting one of her elderly relatives in Glasgow's Royal Infirmary. She hadn't been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the lift, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. Being a typical, friendly, talkative Glaswegian, she remarked to the technician, "I would hate to be hooked up to that thing." "Aye, so would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

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Famous Last Words
Malcolm, Murdo and Callum were sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Malcolm says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man - he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". Murdo nods and says, "That's lovely Malcolm. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'" Callum thinks for a moment and then says, "That's very nice, Murdo. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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Nothing Wrong With My Hearing
Three Scotsmen, all in their 80s and each rather hard of hearing, were playing golf one fine but windy September day. One remarked "Windy, isn't it?" The second Scot replied "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday." At that point the third man chimed in, "I'm thirsty too. Let's have a beer."
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Age Becomes You
While passing through a Highland village, two middle-aged ladies stopped at a local hotel for a bite to eat. Sitting on a wall outside was a little, wizened old man, smoking a pipe. Before leaving, the ladies stopped to speak to him. One of the ladies commented on how cheery he was and asked for his secret for a long happy life. Taking his pipe from his mouth, the man replied: "I smoke 60 cigarettes plus an ounce of tobacco every day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I take no exercise and I eat fatty foods." The ladies were surprised at the answer and one then asked how old he was. Once again removing his pipe, the little wizened man looked up and said "Thirty-six."

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Wrong Way
Jamie was getting on in years, but he still drove his car around central Scotland. One day, while motoring along the M8 motorway between Edinburgh and Glasgow, he got a telephone call on his mobile phone. As he had a "hands free" set, he was able to answer it to hear his wife saying "Jamie, I just saw a news item on TV that said there was a car driving the wrong way on the M8." Jamie replied: "My dear, there's not just one car going the wrong way - I've seen dozens of them..."

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Listen Here
Old Jock had been very hard of hearing for many years, but eventually his doctor got him fitted up with a very discreet hearing aid. A month later, Jock was back for a check-up and the doctor remarked that Jock's family must be delighted that he could hear perfectly again. Jock grinned and remarked: "Och, I haven't told them yet. I just listen to the conversations and don't let on I can hear them now. I've changed my will three times already..."

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Getting Older
Sadie was getting on in years and was sometimes a bit forgetful. She would go upstairs to do something - and when she got there, she couldn't remember what it was. One day, after a few such episodes, she said to her husband Donald "Oh my goodness, I think my mind is almost gone". Donald, who had been reading the paper, scarcely looked up but commented dryly: "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of your mind for over 60 years...."

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So Who Was She?
Donald and Morag's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Jemima. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl died. On the way back from the cemetery, Donald confessed to his wife, "Morag dear, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Jemima in the house all those years." Morag looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Jemima!" she cried. "I thought she was your Aunt Jemima!"

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Another Yarn
Donald was telling his son about grandma, who used to spend hours at the spinning wheel. Donald's son asked "Did she enjoy making yarn?" Donald shook his head and commented. "No, but she enjoyed playing roulette..."

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Try Harder
Donald was lying on the operating table, about to undergo surgery at the hands of his only son. Donald looked up and said: "Remember lad - if anything happens to me, your mother would have to come and live with you..."

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Nail Biting
Jeannie and Morag, two golden-agers from Inverurie were discussing their husbands over lunch. "I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous," said Jeannie. "My Angus used to do the same thing," Morag replied. "But I broke him of the habit." Jeannie looked impressed and asked: "Really, how?" Morag smiled knowingly and replied: "Easy, I hid his false teeth."

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Are You Happy?
Geordie had never paid much attention to his wife when she was alive but, surprisingly, he found after she passed away that me missed her a lot. He decided to go to a medium to see if he could contact her. During the seance, a breeze wafted through the darkened room and suddenly Geordie was sure he heard his wife's voice.
"Maisie!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, Geordie."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, Geordie."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, Geordie...much happier!"
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place."
"I'm not in Heaven."

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