Scottish Humour
- Cerebrally Challenged



Sometimes we all are guilty of being a bit slow on the uptake...

And They Say Blondes are Dumb...
Malky wasn't just work shy, he was housework-challenged as well. But he was going out later in the day to meet his pals at a bar to watch a football match on the large screen TV and wanted to have his sports shirt washed. Jessie, who was busy hoovering and dusting suggested politely but firmly he should put it in the washing machine himself. Reluctantly, he did so - and then shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," Jessie replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" Malky yelled back, "Partick Thistle Football Club..."

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New Exercise Plan Sadie was telling her friend about the new exercise plan that was guaranteed to lose pounds. The essential element in the plan was to exercise very early in the morning - before your brain can figure out what you're doing and stop you.

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Sadness, Elation and Woe
As part of an "out-reach" programme, one of the doctors from a Highland psychiatric hospital was out in Tillietudlum village hall giving a lecture to the local residents on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the doctor, "Can anyone tell me what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said one of the locals.
"And the opposite of depression,?" After a pause, Donald McDonald suggested "Elation." The doctor, getting into his stride now, then asked "And how about the opposite of woe?"
Calum McCalum, a farmhand, piped up "I believe that would be giddy-up."

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First Prize
You may find it hard to believe, but not everyone in Scotland likes haggis - one of Scotland's gifts to fine eating. There are even people who tell jokes about it (as if eating the intestines of sheep was funny..). Such as the one about Jimmy who went into the local fast food outlet in Auchenshoogle and asked for "two haggis suppers". He had won them in a raffle and had the voucher for claiming his prize of two "carry out" portions of haggis and chips (French fries in some parts of the world). When asked what other prizes had been on offer, he admitted his two haggis suppers were third prize - and that the second prize had been ONE haggis supper. First prize was just the chips (French fries) with NO haggis....

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Express Service
The Sainsbury Supermarket at Braehead near Glasgow was extremely busy one Thursday evening - when the stores stay open longer to encourage customers to spend, spend, spend. The queue at the check-outs were getting longer and longer, but the express lane (for baskets with less than ten items) was quiet as most customers had bought a lot more than that. Completely ignoring the sign, a large woman unloaded her overflowing trolley-load onto the conveyor belt. The shopping reached the cashier and the lady was getting ready to pack her goods away, after they had been scanned. The cashier looked up at the lady and said sweetly "And which ten items would you like to buy?" After some loud arguing, during which a supervisor (trying hard not to smile) backed up the cashier, the lady had to load her shopping back on the trolley and join the end of one of the long queues at another lane.

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Exercise
After a lifetime of hearty eating of all the wrong kinds of food, Davie McFlannel was as wide as he was tall (OK - he wan't very tall...). One of his friends suggested to him that he should exercise to lose some excess weight - even a short walk (to the public bar, perhaps) rather than driving there and back might help. Davie glowered and commented, pointedly: "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." Then he added: "The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again....."

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Finishing What We Start
The Rev Jamie McWhachle was, to put it mildly, "humour challenged" and attended a conference designed to better equip preachers for their ministry. One dynamic speaker boldly approached the lectern and began: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was shocked, but after a momentary pause, he followed this up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The audience burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went down very well. The next week, Rev McWhachle decided he'd give this humour thing a try and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the pulpit, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman who was not my wife!" His congregation inhaled half the air in the church! After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, Rev McWachle finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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Practise Makes Perfect
Dr McLurch was doing his rounds of the hospital wards and commented to one patient that his coughing seemed to be bit easier. The man looked up dolefully and said: "It should be. I've been perfecting it all night..."

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Never Underestimate the Guile of a Scotsman
A English lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a train. The lawyer is thinking that the Scots are so dumb that he could put one over on him easily...So the lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Scot is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only 5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you 500".
This catches the Scots attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?" The Scot doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's his turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scot and hands him 500. He happily pockets the 500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scot up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The Scot reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer 5 and goes back to sleep. And the moral of this little tale? Never underestimate the guile of a Scotsman!

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No Slacking Here!
Walter McCracken, the new chief executive of the Camlachie Engineering Works was determined to stamp out waste and get rid of any staff not pulling their weight. On a tour of the factory, McCracken noticed a worker leaning on a wall, hands in pockets and just watching the other men working away. McCracken decided to show everyone he meant business, walked up the man and asked, "And how much money do you make a week?" Still with his hands in his pockets, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make 400.00 a week. Why?" Without hesitation, McCracken took out his wallet, handed the man 400 in cash and screamed (so that he could be heard by as many other workers as possible): "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!" The man left immediately and McCracken, feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered, "Delivering pizza."

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-Taken to the Cleaners
The brash young vacuum cleaner salesman was going door to door in Ecclefechan and his polished technique was successfully getting orders. Full of optimism he knocked at the door of a wee cottage at the end of the village and an old lady answered. As soon as she realised what he was, she told him to clear off, saying she had no money, and tried to close the door. But the salesman wedged his foot in the door and continued his sales patter. "Wait till you see the demonstration" he insisted. "I've got a bucket of soot and horse manure and this vacuum cleaner will remove every trace." Before she could stop him, the salesman threw the contents of the bucket on the hall floor. "If this vacuum doesn't make the floor spotless," he insisted, "I'll personally eat the remainder." The old lady smiled and raised her eyebrows. "In that case, I hope you have a good appetite. The electricity was cut off this morning..."

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Close the Deal
Sandy McWachle hadn't been working for the MacGrabbit Estate Agency for long and had just closed his first sale. But he was horrified to find soon after that the land he had sold was completely under water! In some distress he went to his boss to tell him and ask "If the customer comes back demanding his money back, should I just do that?" His boss Hector MacGrabbit raised his eyes in despair at such naivety. "What kind of salesman are you?" he asked. "If the customer comes back - sell him a houseboat!"

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Modern Art
Visiting the Gallery of Modern Art in Glasgow, a lady from Kelvinside turned to an attendant standing nearby. "This," she said disapprovingly, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

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What's For Dinner?
A young couple, new to the village of Ben Doon, decided to invite the elderly, local minister for a meal. After welcoming him in, they went to the kitchen to make the finishing touches to the food, leaving the minister to talk to their four-year-old son, Colin. Struggling to find something to say to the lad, the minister asked if he knew what they were going to be eating. Colin nodded and announced with conviction "Goat." The minister was surprised at this and said "Are you sure about that?" Colin nodded, even more vigorously. "Yes," he said. "I heard Dad say to Mum that this was as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner."

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Hard to Swallow?
Mr McGrinlay often flew from Edinburgh to European capital cities for his company and being a senior executive, he was allowed to travel business class - with all the perks that go along with that ticket. One evening, flying back from Vienna, the gourmet meal included a number of cakes and chocolates. Having had a heavy "business lunch" earlier in the day, McGrinlay decided to take them home. So they wouldn't get crushed, he put them in the sick bag which he knew was always in the seat pocket in front of him. As he left the plane at Edinburgh, the air hostess spotted the bag in his hand and asked politely, "Sir, would you like me to dispose of that for you?" McGrinlay replied without thinking, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

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Ferry Good
Callum loved living in the Isle of Bute, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of Greenock. So when he spotted a ferry no more than ten feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?" The bystander replied: "Aye, but you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

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Because He's Worth It
Campbell went along to the doctor for a check-up. After the exam, the doctor summed up the situation by suggesting that the best thing for Campbell to do would be to give up smoking and drinking and get to bed early every night. Campbell considered this advice and then said, "Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"

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Very True
Maggie was taking her first golf lesson from the club professional at the Auchterlonie Golf Club. Anxious to understand the finer points of the game she asked "Is the word spelled 'p-u-t' or 'p-u-t-t'?" Her instructor, with many years of experience to draw on, gave her a complete answer. "'P-u-t-t' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' on the other hand means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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Sports Injury
Jock came into work limping and a colleague asked what had happened. "Oh, it's nothing, just a recurrence of a football injury that acts up every now and again." His colleague looked sympathetic but than commented, "I didn't know you played football." Jock looked sheepish and admitted: "I don't. But every time the team I support loses, I kick the television..."

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One Good Turn Deserves Another
Morag was driving her car in Glasgow at the rush hour. At the busy junction of Sauchiehall Street and Bath Street - the engine of her car just "died". She tried frantically to get it going again but the engine refused to respond. Of course, traffic began to build up behind her and the businessman in the car immediately behind began to sound his horn impatiently. Eventually Morag got out of her car and walked back to the aggressive driver. As he wound down the window, glaring furiously, Morag smiled sweetly (we all know the smiles that Morags in distress can give) and said: "I can't seem to get my car re-started. Would you be a dear and go and see if you can start it for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you to encourage you...."

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How Many?

Josie was buying a "take-away" deep fried pizza from the local pizza parlour in Camlachie. When it was ready, the assistant asked if he wanted it cut into four or six pieces. Josie considered the options for a moment and then said brightly: "Just cut it into four - I don't think I'm hungry enough to manage six pieces...."

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Where?
Hamish and Henry were walking along the beach at Aberdour when Henry shouted "Look at that dead bird." - and Hamish looked up into the sky...

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Which Half?
The editor of the Camlachie Advertiser was angry at the actions (and inaction) of the Members of the Scottish Parliament (MSPS) in Edinburgh. One week he ran a scathing editorial about their shortcomings and, in large letter, the headline said "Half the MSPs are Crooks." Needless to say, the local politicians were not well pleased and put a lot of pressure on the editor to retract. Eventually, he gave in and apologised, but with headline "Half the MSPs Claim They Are Not Crooks."

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Who's the Fool?
Tam was walking along a very narrow street in Craigmaddie when he came face to face with his arch enemy, Magnus. The street was too narrow for the two to pass and Magnus drew himself up to his full height and announced "I never make way for fools..." Tam smiled and stepped aside, remarking "I always do..."

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Consistency

A motor cycle police patrolman stopped a motorist on the A9 Perth to Inverness road one day, after clocking the car doing 95mph - 35mph above the speed limit on that stretch of road. He asked the driver politely for his driving licence. The driver frowned and replied: "I wish the legal system would get its act together. Last week you took away my licence - and now you expect me to show it to you..."

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How Far?
Two laddies from MacBackobeyond are leaning on a farm gate talking after an evening spent consuming many pints of McEwan's export beer. One says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... London or the moon?" The other laddie turns and says, "It has to be London - you can't see London from here..."

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Three Wishes
Rory was walking along a beach in the far north of Scotland when he saw a bottle in the sand. He picked it up and gave it a wipe to see what it was - and out popped a genie. Being a traditional genie, he offered Rory three wishes. Not quite believing his luck, Rory asked for the bottle to be filled with whisky. In flash, it was full of the best malt whisky. After several swigs, Rory realised that the bottle just kept filling back up again. Wonderful! The genie then reminded Rory he had two more wishes. After a few moment's thought, Rory demanded "I'll have two more bottles like this...."

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Who's Cheating?
Sandy and a Davie were playing golf at St Andrews. They decided to add a bit of excitement to the game and play for high stakes - 50 pence a hole. At the third fairway, Davie hit his ball into the rough. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," Davie said to Sandy. After several minutes, neither has had any luck, and, anxious to win, Davie surreptitiously pulled out another ball and dropped it on the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announced. Sandy looked at him in horror, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me at golf for a miserable 50 pence?" Davie drew himself up and replied: "Cheat?! I found my ball right here!" Sandy shook his head and said sadly "And a liar, too! I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball since we got here, so that can't be the ball you hit."

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Profit From Dead Sheep
When MacCandoo bought a dead sheep from a neighbouring farmer, he was asked what he was going to do with it.
"I'm hard up, so I'm going to raffle it," said MacCandoo
"You can't raffle off a dead sheep!"
"Aye I can. I just won't tell anybody it's dead..."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the animal asked, "Whatever happened with that dead sheep?"
MacCandoo smugly reported: "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at 2 a piece and made a net profit of 998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back..."

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Help!
The Caledonian MacNobrain ferry was going past a small island in the far west and the passengers could see a thin bearded man on the beach, shouting and waving. One of the passengers asked the captain who he was. The captain shrugged and replied: "I have no idea. But every time we pass by he goes crazy for some reason...."

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Red Card?
A young manager in the Environment and Rural Affairs Department of the Scottish Executive in Edinburgh arrived at Rory's farm in Wester Ross and loftily announced that he had come to inspect the buildings and fields to make sure that Rory's claims for European Union subsidies were justified. "That's fine," said Rory, "But dinna go into that field over there." The manager sniffed and replied "I am authorised to go anywhere on your land. Look, here is my card giving me authority to do so." Rory shrugged and watched as the young official headed for the field. A few minutes later, there were loud cries for help and Rory looked into the field to see a bull charging after the official - and gaining. "Help - what should I do?" cried the man as he ran as fast as he could in his city shoes across the muddy field - with the bull gaining on him. Rory shoved his hands in his pockets and shouted back "Show him your card."

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Good Buy
Rory was passing an auction house in Inverness one day and saw that one of the items for sale was a talking parrot. He had often had a notion for having a talking bird, so he went in and when the parrot came up for sale, he began to bid for it. He started at just 10 but the bidding went up rapidly - with someone on the other side of the room raising the bid each time Rory increased his offer. Eventually, Rory was delighted when his bid of 190 was successful. As he went to pay the auction clerk, he asked "Are you sure this parrot can talk?" The clerk looked up over his half-moon glasses and smiled as he replied "And who do you think was bidding against you?"

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A Suitable Case for Treatment
The young army doctor was stationed at a remote dispensary in Afghanistan. One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of his patients and radioed the base hospital: "Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?" The reply was, "Give it to the Black Watch regiment. They'll drink anything."

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Never Satisfied
Dugald was reluctantly persuaded to take part in the National Lottery when it was a "Rollover" double prize. But he won 4.5 million, so when Angus met him in the street and found him looking decidedly glum, he enquired "Why are you so unhappy - you've just won a lot of money on the Lottery." Dugald morosely replied: "Aye, but I bought two tickets and the second one didn't win anything.

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Who Needs Technology?
Elspeth was boasting to her best friend about her radio controlled garage door opener. "You just press a button and the garage doors open without having to leave the car," she gushed. "It's wonderful when it's raining." Her friend nodded in agreement and replied "Yes, I've had one of those for years. As soon as I arrive in my driveway, I just sound the horn and my husband comes out and opens the garage doors..."

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Straight and Narrow
Asked by his teacher to spell "straight," Geordie McWhachle did so without error. "Excellent," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?" Again, no hesitation as Geordie responded: "Without water." (Obviously, Geordie was Scottish).

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