Scottish Humour
- Reinforcing the Stereotype of the Thrifty Scot
A Bawbee Was Sixpence
The Scots tell more jokes about being careful with their money than anyone else - and donate more to charity per head of the population - than most other regions of the UK.
A True Scot
They say that a "True Scot" in North America is one whose ancestors came from Scotland - but who were born in North America to save the fare...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tight
What's the difference between a tightrope and a Scotsman? A tightrope sometimes gives.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughtful
Donald McPherson, who always looked after his money very, very carefully, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a broken vase, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due course, he received a letter of thanks from his friend. "Thanks for the vase." it read. "It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whisky and Water Don't Mix
McGrouther had been the owner of the only bar in Auchenarder and on his retiral the locals looked in amazement at the grand mansion he was building in which he was to spend his retirement. An old friend visited him and said with a smile: "I suppose it was all that whisky you sold that produced the profits for that palatial house you're building?" McGrouther thought for a moment and then admitted: "Na, na - it wisnae the whisky. It was the water I put in the whisky that made me rich..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thrift
The Scots have a reputation for being thrifty (no, not mean - thrifty). And there are still plenty folk who like to save money. Like Sadie, who decided to wash her dress by hand instead of sending it to the cleaners. When her husband came home that night, she boasted to him about her money-saving as he watched TV. Without taking his eyes off the screen he nodded and said: "Well done. Go and wash it again and we'll save even more money..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mark Up
Donald was a successful cattle farmer in Angus and one evening he took his wife to Dundee for a meal at a "posh" restaurant. When he got the (large) bill at the end, he remarked to his wife: "I've done a quick calculation and based on the price of those steaks we ate, I've got cows back on the farm that must make us millionaires..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thrifty
Maisie was so mean she used to heat the knives so the family would use less butter.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just Checking
Sandy and Agnes McWachle lived beside Loch Achawayego in Caithness. It was nearly winter and the nearby loch had just frozen over. Sandy asked his wife if she would walk across the frozen loch to the village shop to pick him up a bottle of whisky. Agnes asked for the money, but Sandy told her to put it on their bill. Agnes duly walked across, got the whisky and walked back. It was at that point that she decided to ask Sandy "Why didn't you send me with the money. I thought you always wanted to pay cash." Sandy nodded but replied "I wisnae goin' to send any money till Ah wis sure how thick the ice was..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Business
Despite putting in a new cartridge, the type on Jock's printer remained faint, so he called a local repair shop where a friendly telephonist informed him that the printer probably only needs to be cleaned. "We charge £50 for a call-out to clean a printer," he said, "so you might be better off reading the manual and doing the job yourself." Surprised by the clerk's apparent honesty, Jock asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business like this?" The telephonist hesitated for a moment and then revealed: "Actually, it's my boss's idea. We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Candy from a Baby
Murdo recalled that getting money out of his father had been like taking candy from a baby. Every time Murdo had asked for money, his dad had screamed and cried, with tears rolling down his face.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thrifty
Donald was so mean, when his suit needed cleaned he donated it to a charity shop - and bought it back when they had cleaned and pressed it.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Too Many Mistakes
Sandy asked to see his boss after pay day and held up his pay packet. "There's been a mistake" said Sandy. "You've paid me £30 pounds short." His boss nodded. "I know," he said. "But I paid you £30 too much last week." Sandy responded "I noticed that too. I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it becomes a regular occurrence, I felt I had to draw your attention to it.."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Much?
Young Davie was given £1 by his gran but was told "Don't tell your parents I gave you the money - they might think I was spoiling you." Davie looked slyly at his gran and said "How much will you pay me to keep quiet?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Return to Index Page of Scottish Humour
Where else would you like to go in Scotland?
