Scottish Humour
- English, Irish, Scots...Americans
Supporters of Scotland, England and Wales
After several hundred years of actual conflict, it is inevitable that there should still be a competitive element in the relationship with England. This comes through occasionally in some of the jokes which are told when the rivals meet. Included in this section are a few other "ethnic" jokes - involving such diverse stereotypes as Americans and Texans (you can take a joke, can't you?).
An Englishman entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked "Where are you from?" The Englishman replied "I'm from the finest country in the world." The Scot looked sceptical and replied "Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left 5,000 pounds by a rich man on condition that after his death they would each put 100 pounds into his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife. The Englishman and the Irishman duly put in their hundred pounds. The Scotsman took out the 200 pounds and put in a cheque (check) for 300 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath."
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A German cyclist recently told "Scotland on Sunday" that the thing he disliked most about Scotland was the midges. "I hate them," said the cyclist. "I kill one and 100,000 come to the funeral."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are four kinds of people in the UK -
First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ McDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained. "The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Texan tourist was telling Sandy about how big everything was back home. "I can hop on a horse and it will take three days to ride to the other side of the ranch." "Och aye," said Sandy, "I've got a horse that's like that too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."
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