Scottish Humour
- Graveyard Humour
The "Last Drop" Bar - on the site of the last public hanging in Edinburgh...
Perhaps because war and sudden death were part of everyday life in Scotland, there is a vein of gallows humour running through a number of Scottish anecdotes.
With 450 golf courses and a long history of the game, the Scots take their matches very seriously:
Two Scots golfers were just about to putt on the 16th green, adjacent to a road, when suddenly a funeral procession passes by. One of the golfers, Tam McGregor, interrupted his putting, and took off his hat as the procession goes by. His partner said "That was really gentlemanly of you - paying respects like that". To which Macgregor replied "It was the least I could do. She was my wife for 25 years..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Epitaphs on gravestones are sometimes used to record the feelings of the living for those who have just departed. They are not always complimentary as these (reportedly genuine) honest epithets illustrate.
John Randle - Miser
He was mean and rotten to his wife,
And soon will be forgotten.
He was mean and rotten to his wife,
But now he's only rotten.A Poor Tenant Farmer
The angels were alerted,
And to his bed were sent,
They waited with the landlord,
Who's still waiting for his rent.Village Baker
We miss your lovely soda scones
And your loaves both brown and plain,
But it's nice to know you'll never want
Nor knead the dough again.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here lie Willie Michie's banes:
O Satan, when ye tak' him
Gie him the schooling of your weans,
For clever de'ls he'll mak' 'em.Robert Burns from a poem "On a Schoolmaster"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the tourists who were visiting an old graveyards in Scotland and came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a pious man, a wonderful father, and a great teacher." One of the visitors quipped, "Just like the Scots tae bury three men in one grave!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jock, a believer in old customs, was giving directions for his own funeral. "Noo," he said to his son, "ye'll gae roon' the entire company an' see that they ha'e a dram. Syne ye'll gae roon' an' see that ha'e anither." Then he sighed and added, "An' as I'll no' be there mysel', I'll just ha'e mine the noo !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old gravedigger was asked how business was. He replied "Oh, very poorly, very poorly indeed. I havena' buried a livin' soul for six weeks".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The old Scots lady lay dying. She looked up and asked her husband if he would do her just one small favour before she went. "John," she asked, "on the day o' the funeral I'd like ye tae ride in the same coach as ma mother." To which John replied: "A' richt, Janet. I'll dae that tae please ye. But ye've completely spoilt the day for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Hector's cat died he asked the minister if he could bury it in the church cemetery. "Certainly not" said the minister. Hector then asked the Anglican minister and got the same answer. The next day Hector met his own minister who asked if he was still trying to bury his cat. Hector told him that in desperation he had even offered the Jewish Rabbi fifty pounds to bury him but he had refused too. The minister's face immediately lit up. "Why didn't you tell me it was a Church of Scotland cat?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Charlie Maclean, the life insurance salesman, had a special way of getting reluctant customers to sign up. "Take your time. Don't let me rush you. Sleep on it, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know then."
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