Scottish Humour
- Lachlan's Laws


That great Highland philosopher, Lachlan McLachlan, propounded a number of irrefutable laws of life, the universe and everything. His greatest observations were made at the bar of the Auchentiddlum Arms, usually after consuming copious quantities of Buckfast Tonic Wine. Below is a selection of some of his greatest insights, recorded by his great admirer Jimmy Boswell.

Lachlan's Laws

  • "Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about."

  • "A closed mouth gathers no feet."

  • "The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act."

  • "The most common cause of hearing loss amongst men is a wife saying she wants to talk to him."

  • Lachlan's Theorem of the Bath - "When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone invariably rings."

  • "The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first."

  • "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

  • "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."

  • "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer."

  • "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look bright until you hear them speak."

  • "The man who thinks he knows it all, is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do."

  • "The reason we Scots fight so often among ourselves is that we're always assured of having a worthy opponent."

  • "When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 15 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." (Note that there are 15 jurors in Scotland, not 12).

  • "When women see the first strand of grey hair they think they are going to dye..."

  • "The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug."

  • "All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards that causes all the problems."

  • "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

  • "At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and during a critical time in the show."

  • "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

  • "Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."

  • "Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."

  • "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again."

  • "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

  • "In slow moving traffic, if you move to another lane because it is moving faster, it always slows down and the lane you were in speeds up."

  • "Wisdom comes with age - but sometimes age comes alone."

  • "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right - and the other person is a husband..."

  • "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."

  • "Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside."

  • "Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often."

  • "Someone who thinks logically makes a nice contrast to the real world."

  • "You know when you're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before."

  • "The only way to keep healthy is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." (Although Mark Twain may have said it first).

  • "The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow."

  • "A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

  • "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

  • "Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes..."

  • "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead."

  • "There is no vaccine against stupidity!"

  • "A man with no sense of humour probably doesn't have any sense at all."

  • "Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning."

  • "Never test the depth of the water with both feet."

  • "Women who think they are the equal of men lack ambition."

  • "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

  • "If at first you don't succeed - skydiving is not for you."

  • "No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes."

  • "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

  • "A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."

  • "The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it."

  • "To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all."

  • "Any married man can forget his past mistakes - there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things."

  • No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats..

  • Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

  • It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

  • Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

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