Scottish Humour
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Long Distance Bus

A long distance bus from Stagecoach plc



Many jokes deliver the punch line quickly, others take time to get there - or keep tickling your ribs for a while. Here are some of those

One of the Edinburgh scientists who cloned a sheep, decided secretly to create a duplicate of himself by cloning. He did so, but to his surprise, his clone would only talk in the most depraved and obscene language. Not only could he not take him anywhere in public, people mistook the clone for him and he was asked to resign from his golf club and the scientists' lunch club. In despair, the scientist lured his clone up to the top of Ben Nevis and pushed him off the summit to his death. However, he was seen doing this (there are always crowds at the top of Ben Nevis) and the police came for him. In vain he protested that it was only his own creation he had disposed of. "No sir," said the policeman. "It's a serious offence. We're arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."

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Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,

It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,

There were far too many lamby clones for Mary to control,
No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary.
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Angus lay dying in his bed.  In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.  With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  His salivating lips parted; the wondrous taste of the scone was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.  The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she snapped.  "They're for the funeral."

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This has to be a very old joke - it takes place 300 years ago and is about the King of Scotland travelling on a horse-drawn coach from London to Scotland. The King decided he wanted to drive the coach and swopped places with the coachman. Being a reckless King, he urged the horses to go faster and faster. A troop of Scottish Cavalry spotted the coach careering along the road and suspecting it had been stolen, the commander sent a young officer to investigate. When he reached the coach he immediately recognised the King and returned to report. The officer asked, "Who was in the coach, a thief or bandit?" The cadet replied, "No, sir, someone of great importance." The officer then asked, "Who then, the local Sheriff?"
"Oh no, sir," replied the cadet, "someone much more important."
"More important?" asked the officer. "Was it the Earl?" "Oh no, sir," trembled the cadet, "someone even more important than the Earl."
"I give up," growled the officer. "Who was it?"
The cadet nervously said "I dinna know, but the King is his coachman!"

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The Glasgow-based Herald newspaper published a series of film titles, some supplied by their readers, subtly altered to include the names of a host of Scottish towns. Here's a selection (though you may need an atlas if you are not familiar with Scottish geography):

and finally, not place names, just a Scottish flavour:

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This item appeared in the "Berwickshire Gazette" last year. I have not been able to verify the "facts" - but it's a good story anyway!

Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road last May. They were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The 5000 pounds worth of machine then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused Policemen. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by the Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed an air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched. The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future.

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The item below, on Glasgow hosting the 2008 Olympics, has been circulating on the Net, so the original author is not known. Just as well...

Glasgow to Host 2008 Olympics

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games the organisers of Glasgow's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

Opening Ceremony - The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

The Events - In previous Olympic games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes:

100 Metres Sprint- Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 Metres Hurdle - As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police car, the next a post office van and then a Securicor wages vehicle.

Boxing - Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will break into the University bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit- As above but the bike will belong to a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding and arson.

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

Swimming - Competitors will be thrown off the Clyde Suspension Bridge. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled as police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.

Closing Ceremony - Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Boys Band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it form the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

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Here is a recipe for a Christmas cake which is not quite what it seems. Read on and decide for yourself!

Ingredients:
1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice
4 large eggs nuts
1 bottle Johnnie Walker whisky 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the whisky again.
To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven and put in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl through the window.
Check the whisky again and go to bed.

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The item below was found amongst some books of 18/19th century engravings. It shows that jokes about the Scots have a long pedigree!

The Smuggled Scotchman: an Anecdote.
A Nobleman at Paris asked Lady R____ why it was in general remarked abroad by foreigners, that the Scotch, who travelled, were men of parts and learning, while the English were generally wanting in both? Her ladyship, with her usual vivacity, replied, that only fools went out of England; but for Scotland, none but fools would stay in it. A Scotch nobleman, neither famous for parts or learning, Lord _____, observed her ladyship was right, with regard to the Scotch; for, says he, there are offices established in Scotland, where every Scotchman must apply for a passport, ere he can leave the country, and previous to the granting thereof, he is examined with regard to his intellects and education, which, should they not arrive to the standard fixed for each, no passport is granted, but he is sent back for improvement; on a second application, the same form is observed; but should he apply a third time, and then be found wanting, he is remanded back for life. By this, says his lordship, your ladyship will plainly see none but men of sense and learning can legally leave this country. "Then, replied her ladyship, I'm sure your lordship was smuggled."

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