Scottish Humour
- Married Bliss
Is it a Wedding Carriage or a Hearse?
The course of true love doesn't always run smoothly..
Good Advice
Geordie's son was getting married soon and he thought he should try to give him some words of wisdom about married life, born of the 30-odd years of his own experiences. He though carefully and ended up by saying: "Once you get married, remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: "Yes dear" in a very firm voice."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is It Time?
After ten years of dating Sandy, one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye Jean thought at last it was time to ask "the question". "Sandy," she breathed, "is it not about time we were getting married?" After a heavy silence. Sandy sighed. "Yes, Jean, indeed it is." A hopeful gleam spread over Jean's face, but he went on: "Yes, Jean, it is. But who would have us?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good Taste?
Sandy thought that his long-term girl friend might be "Miss Right" and decided to ask "Will you marry me?" His girlfriend looked at Sandy fondly but replied: "No Sandy, but I'll always admire your good taste."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last Wish George had been hen-pecked by his house-proud Edinburgh wife all his married life. Eventually he passed away and when the lawyer read out George's last will and testament, everyone understood. George's final request was that his ashes should be scattered on the living room carpet...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sound Advice
Willie commented wryly to his friend "My wife always gives me sound advice - 99% sound... 1% advice..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How to Find Your Wife
Donald had lost his wife in a large supermarket in Glasgow. He approached a good-looking, blonde woman, explained his search for his spouse and asked if he could talk to the blonde for a while. The woman was surprised at the approach and asked how that was going to help Donald find his wife? "Easy," replied Donald. "She always turns up when I'm talking to strange women."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honest Answer
Duncan was newly married and one morning asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" His wife replied sweetly (and truthfully) "Dear Duncan, I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Recipe for a Healthy Life
Dugald was getting on in years and went in for his annual physical exam. The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?" Dugald replied, "I'm 78." The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." Dugald explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to calm down." The doctor was puzzled by this explanation and asked "What does that have to do with being so fit and healthy?" Duncan sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bad Choice
Fiona asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my looks or my intellectual ability?" Josie looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour." Josie should be out of intensive care soon.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hot Answer
It was one of those days of soaring temperatures in Scotland (when the thermometer recorded over 21C/70F) and Hamish was feeling the heat. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," he said as he stepped out of the shower and asked his wife "What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cheap at the Price
Heather was driving home from a trip to Inverness when she saw an elderly Highland woman walking on the side of the road in the pouring rain. Heather stopped and asked the woman if she would like a lift. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Heather tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman. The old lady just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the back seat. "Whit's in bag?" asked the old woman. Heather said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Highland woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sharing Troubles and Stresses
Morag told her boy friend "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden." Donald, smiled and said: "It's very kind of you, dear, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Morag also smiled - the knowing smile of a woman wise in the ways of the world and responded: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Never Expires
Jessie noticed that her husband Davie had been reading their marriage certificate for well over an hour. Touched by such sentimentality, she asked Davie "What are you doing?" Jerked out of his reverie, Davie replied "Oh, nothing really." Jessie was not satisfied and commented "You've been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour." Davie looked up again and explained at last: "I was looking for an expiry date..." He is recovering well in the Southern General Hospital.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Long Lasting Love
Geordie confided in his best friend: "I've been in love with the same woman for 41 years. If my wife finds out, she'll murder me."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Danger Food
A dietician was addressing a large audience in Auchtermuchty Town Hall (there must have been at least 15 folk in the hall). The dietician was ranting about what we eat, saying that red meat caused heart problems, soft drinks eroded stomach linings and bones, vegetables were rarely washed well enough and the germs in our drinking water caused countless problems. He concluded by asking the audience if they knew which food caused the most grief and suffering, years after it had been consumed. A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said firmly, "Wedding cake".~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Totally Teetotal
Jimmy McGorbals claimed that he never consumed alcohol. He said that at home it wasn't right to drink in front of his children. And when he was away from his wife and children, he didn't need to drink...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why Did You Marry Me?
During a more or less friendly argument, Jock asked his wife why she married him in the first place. His wife quickly replied: "I was just stupid, I suppose" Jock surprised his wife by saying he was happy with that reason. Of course, his wife wanted to know why and he explained: "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love. But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good Advice
Morag was given some good advice by her mother before she got married: "Remember, a sense of humour is useful in marriage. But that doesn't mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you always laugh at his."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reality Check
Jamie announced to his wife that he was going to invite his friend Donald home that night for a meal. Jamie's wife was shocked. "Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" Jamie nodded and said, "Yes, same as usual. I know all that." His wife was puzzled and asked, "Then why in the world did you invite your friend for a meal tonight?" Jamie sighed and replied: "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married...."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's Your Excuse?
Jamie knew he was in for trouble from his wife as soon as he walked into his house. He had been out with a group of old friends and had returned home at what he thought was a reasonable time - 3am. His wife glared at him and demanded to know "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of night?" Jamie smiled reassuringly and told his wife "I was out golfing with some friends..." His wife glared even more fiercely and queried his answer: "Golfing? Until 3am? You don't expect me to believe that, do you?" Jamie tried to look innocent and to support this, assured his wife with "Yes, my dear. We used nightclubs..." Maybe Jamie had a death wish?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dirty Looks
Sandy was looking somewhat depressed when he met up with his pals at the Ballachullish Bar. When he was asked what was up, he replied, "I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's a Boy
Maisie worked in a busy office and arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and chocolates, all tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced, "It's a boy, six feet tall and 12 stones in weight."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fewer Calories
Davie McFlannel took his daughter to the supermarket one day. In addition to the items set out in the shopping list of healthy eating items, carefully prepared by his wife, he bought a box of cakes, made from cream, chocolate and icing sugar. When he returned home, he was given a baleful glare by his wife. He smiled reassuringly and informed his lady love that the box had one third fewer calories than usual. His wife relaxed, just a little, and then asked "Why is that? I don't see any label on the box saying that..." Davie, heading for the door, said over his shoulder as he departed, "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Much?
Young Sandy asked his Dad "How much does it cost to get married?" Sandy's father stopped washing the dishes and replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying...."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wanted Ad
The "Lonely Hearts" column in the Edinburgh Evening News recently carried an advert which read: "Princess, having had sufficient experience with men who think they should be treated as Princes, seeks frog."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Get a TV
At a coffee bar in Byres Road in Glasgow's smart West End, young Shona and her friends were discussing what the "ideal partner" would be like. Shona launched into her description (having clearly given a lot of thought to the subject). "The man I marry must be entertaining amongst company and be smart and intelligent. He must be musical. Tell jokes so that I laugh - and so do others. He should be able to sing romantic songs. And - of course - stay home at night!" A grey-haired woman at the next table looked over and commented: "Lassie, if that's all you want, get a TV..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's a Girl...
Like all good, modern fathers, Geordie was present when his wife gave birth to their first child. "It's a girl!" declared the midwife - and then noticed the slightly crestfallen look on Geordie's face. "Are you disappointed that it's a girl?" she asked. Geordie tried to cover up and replied: "Not really. A girl was my second choice...."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Recipe for a Good Marriage
Tavish McTavish was a stranger to the Auchenshuggle Arms but told the assembled gathering that he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary and his wife and he rarely had an argument.. When asked for his secret for a happy married life he replied "Well, I've tried to treat her well, spend money on her, tell her that's she the best wife a man ever had, but the best thing I ever did was to take her to Italy for our 20th wedding anniversary." Someone asked what he was planning to do for their 50th wedding anniversary, to which Tavish replied "I'm going back to Italy - to collect her and bring her back...."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Breakfast in Bed
Hector remarked to his wife "You know, Morag, I really miss you serving me breakfast in bed..." Morag looked at her middle-aged husband in disbelief. "But I never gave you breakfast in bed!" Her husband nodded and replied: "Yes, I know. I just said that I missed it..." (They say that Hector will make a full recovery once he leaves hospital).~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Power Shopping
Jamie was browsing in Jenners, the large department store in Princes Street and at one point struck up a conversation with another man who was on the same mission. The stranger confided that his wife was shopping elsewhere in the store. Suddenly, a power shortage caused the lights to flicker and the man sighed and said "That must be her checking out now."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Night Out
Dugald suggested to his wife that they should go out for the evening and have some fun and enjoyment. His wife agreed immediately and then remarked "If you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on...."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Change for the Better?
Angus had been married for six months and was chatting to his friend about married life. "Ever since I got married, my wife has tried to change me. In the last six months I've stopped drinking, smoking, staying out till all hours and I now dress well, enjoy classical music, enjoy fine food and wine and now invest money instead of spending it all. But I'm sad. I now realise that I am so improved, my wife isn't good enough for me any more..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good Tip
Sadie and her husband used the same desk-top PC but she was getting fed up with her spouse reading her e-mails. Then a friend (who had the same problem) gave her a tip that stopped the intrusion dead in its tracks. She renamed the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" and he never went near it again.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Proposal
McTavish had been going out with Morag for about two years. Eventually, he decided to "pop the question". As the couple sat in a car, watching the sun go down, McTavish collected enough courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when a man needs companionship of another being - someone who will regard him as perfect, as an idol, who will be kind and faithful when times are hard, and who will share life's joys and sorrows." McTavish thought he saw a sympathetic gleam in Morag's eyes. To his delight, she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Yes, I can help you choose which puppy to buy..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not Tactful - 1
Effie looked up at her husband and said "You're not yourself today.....I noticed the improvement immediately."Not Tactful - 2
Donald was being accused by his wife of not listening and snapped back "I'm ready to listen...are you ready to think?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend?
Angus was boasting to his friend about the ring of large, sparkling diamonds he had given to his wife for her birthday. His friend was impressed - but a little puzzled - and asked "I thought she wanted one of those red Ferrari sports cars?" Angus looked scathingly at his friend and replied: "Yes, she did want that - but where was I going to find a fake Ferrari?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Family Dispute
Davie McFlannel became alarmed at the sounds of shouting and fighting in the house next door and eventually phoned the police. The police responded about two hours later - expecting that things would have calmed down by then. But the noise of crockery breaking and thumps and bangs suggested that the fighting was still in progress. The police constable knocked loudly on the door and eventually a disheveled woman answered the door. The policeman demanded to know "Who's head of the family here?" and was promptly told: "Just wait there another five minutes - I'm settling that right now."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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