Scottish Humour
- Miscellany
Cheers! (Barrs Irn Bru, of course...)
Some humour defies classification. That does not stop it from being funny.
Tam turned up at the local pub with his arm in a sling. His pals asked what had happened and he replied "If you must know, it got broken while I was fighting for a lassie's honour". His pals were impressed until he went on to say "Aye, she wanted to keep it".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "We only switch the telly on once over Christmas.... ...we'd better switch it off when we get to New Year's Day though!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This one combines the Scots characteristics of reticence and understatement:
Two brothers worked a croft together. One day the youngest brother went out into the world. After twelve years he was back again. The elder brother asked: "Whar are thoo been?" His brother answered: "Oot!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A group of Boy Scouts went camping in the West Highlands. As the sun went down on the first day, the midges appeared, biting and tickling despite everything the lads could do to stop them. Then, as it grew darker, some glow-worms appeared. "It's not fair!" shouted a harassed Scout. "They've got searchlight support."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The old soldier was reminiscing to his grandchildren about his wartime experiences with the Gordon Highlanders. "Yes, I fought in Africa, Italy and Germany. I fought with Montgomery, I fought with Wavell and I fought with Alexander". His granddaughter looked up and said "Couldn't you get on with anybody, Grandad?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sadie called her cat Ben - until it had kittens when she changed the name to Ben Hur.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Jimmy - stop pullin' that cat's tail." "I'm no pulling it's tail - it's the cat doing the pulling."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they originally had chocolate on them..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I've just washed my kilt and I can't do a fling with it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dugald was asked the perrenial question "Is anything worn under your kilt?" to which he replied "No. Everything is in perfect working order."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two fishermen, out on a loch one Sunday heard the church bells in the distance. Alex said "We really should be at church." to which Jamie replied "I couldn't have gone today anyway. I've got the wife sick in bed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The accountant ordered a pint of beer and the barman pushed it across to him. "Do you think you could get a nip of whisky in that?" asked the accountant. "Certainly, sir," said the barman. "In that case," said the accountant, "perhaps you would just top it up with beer?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A dog ran into a butcher shop in Dundee and grabbed some sirloin steak off the counter. But the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his - who happened to be a lawyer. The butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole steak from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the sirloin?" The butcher replied "Seven pounds." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for seven pounds - and an invoice that read "Legal Consultation Service: 150 pounds."
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