Scottish Humour
- One liners from Chick Murray
Chic Murray
Chic Murray (1919 to 1985), was a stand-up comedian and actor who offered a comic vision of the world that was both absurd and surreal. In 2005, Murray was named in The Comedian's Comedian in a poll where comedians chose their favourite or most influential comedian. His "one liners" are still repeated in various anthologies. Here are some examples:
We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
This chap started talking to me about this and that - about which I know very little
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the thing never moved an inch.
I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."
It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.
There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.
My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
I don't swim. I can swim. I just don't have much cause to do so in the normal run of things.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.
What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
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