Scottish Humour
- L of a difference
Sometimes we say things that don't quite come out the way we intended - church notices and local newspapers are good sources of such material!
Tillietudlum Gazette
Local newspapers in the smaller Scottish towns often have a section where items for sale can be advertised. The Tillietudlum Gazette is like that, but sometimes the words don't quite turn out the right way. Like these classics:
- Sheer stockings for sale. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Local Adverts
Local newspapers in the smaller Scottish towns often have a section where items for sale can be advertised. The Tillietudlum Gazette is like that, but sometimes the words don't quite turn out the right way. Like these classics:
~ For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
~ For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
~ Great Dames for sale.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It Makes a G of a Difference
The Auchentoshan Parish Church monthly magazine had developed an unfortunate reputation for spelling mistakes. Like the announcement one month which said "This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin." A surprising number turned found they were only getting to sing instead....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Church Notices
The Clachnacudden Parish monthly newsletter, describing a concert in the church hall, reported that "Miss Moira McLuckie sang "I will not pass this way again," which gave obvious pleasure to the congregation..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We Know What He Meant
The minister at Auchengonnie Parish Church really should have had new reading glasses and occasionally misread the church notices he had to announce. Like the week when he said "The church elders would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend them their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday." Fortunately, the ladies supplied their griddles instead.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mark and Learn
The minister in the village of Auchterlonie told his congregation one Sunday that the subject of his sermon in a week's time would be on the sin of lying. To help them understand the theme, he suggested that the congregation should read Mark 17. The following Sunday, he asked how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister raised his eyes to heaven and announced, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honesty the Best Policy
When Duncan applied for a job at the Auchentoshan Whisky Distillery, the manager who interviewed him emphasised "If you're going to work here young man, the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Now, did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" Duncan nodded and replied "Oh, yes, sir." The manager frowned and observed: "The number one thing we are very keen on here is truthfulness. There is no mat. Goodbye."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Topical
Lord McTalisker was reading his copy of the London Times in the drawing room of his mansion when his butler dashed in to report "Sir, the river Tay is overflowing and flooding the streets." Lord McTalisker frowned, put down his newspaper and sternly said to his butler: "McTavish, I have told you before, if you have something important to tell me, knock on the door, wait until I tell you to enter - and then speak in a quiet civilised manner. Now, please do so." McTavish apologised and closed the door. A few seconds later, Lord McTalisker heard a knock at the door. "Enter!" he said, imperiously. James opened the door, turned and made a sweeping gesture behind him, as if inviting someone to come in. "My Lord, the river Tay to see you."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We're Lost
An English couple driving in Scotland got lost. Finally, they drove into a town. They saw a man walking along beside the road, so the husband pulled the car up beside him. His wife rolled down her window and asked, "Excuse me, my good man, we're lost. Can you please tell us where we are?" The reply came back "Tillucoultry, Clackmannan." The English lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here."
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