Scottish Humour
- Real Life Stories
The "Meeting Point" statue in Buchanan Bus Station, Glasgow
Here are some stories from "real life" (well, nearly, in some cases).
Scotrail are trying hard to keep customers informed about the reasons for the late running of trains. So when the train arrived at Edinburgh from Glasgow and the doors remained shut, the loud speaker announcement ran something like this - "We would like to apologise to passengers for the late opening of the doors. This is due to the guard's incompetence. This incompetence was caused by an accident at birth and everything possible is being done to rectify the situation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Scotsman who had run foul of the French gendarmes in Paris after enjoying too much French wine found himself in the equivalent of the police court. The prosecuting lawyer ranted on about foreigners having no respect for French laws. The Scot, defending himself, pointed out that under a decree issued by the French King Louis XII in 1513, the "Lettres Naturalite" bestowed on Scotsmen the same rights as Frenchmen under the law. The decree had never been repealed. The judge was so impressed he dismissed the case!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Clydebank Crime Prevention Panel informed visitors at the local police station open day that a "light finger buffet" would be provided.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the ferry company in the Western Isles charged reduced rates for vehicles transporting sheep, some customers took advantage of this and took a sheep in the back seat of their car when going to the mainland (and had the same sheep on the way back). Eventually, the company had to change the rules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the middle of foggy night in the North-west Atlantic.....two lights are heading directly for one another... and on the radio an American voice is heard saying "We suggest you alter course by 10 degrees to port". Back comes the reply "We suggest YOU alter course by 10 degrees to port!" Then the American voice says "This is the battleship USS Missouri leading the American Atlantic battle fleet. You had better alter course by 10 degrees to port." Back comes the reply "This is the Outer Hebrides lighthouse, but it's your call, Jimmy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A notice in a Bank of Scotland branch which had been undergoing refurbishment read "We would like to thank all our customers for baring with us through the recent refurbishment." (If you didn't spot the joke, the spell checker won't help either...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Sunday School teacher asked the class "How many of you want to go to Heaven?" Everyone but wee Hughie put their hands up. "Don't you want to go to Heaven, Hughie" asked the teacher. "I can't miss. My Mum said I had to come straight home after Sunday School."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A visitor to the Isle of Lewis was getting exasperated by day after day of grey cloud and drizzling rain. After two weeks of this he asked a youngster who was passing "Does the weather here ever change?" to which the youngster replied "I don't know. I'm only six years old."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher in Greenock was surprised to hear one of the children reciting the Lord's Prayer in an amended version: "And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us our e-mail..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jeannie came home from Sunday School and told her mother that she had learned a new song about "a cross-eyed bear named Gladly". It took her mother a while before she realised that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scotland's unpredictable weather becomes more certain on the west coast, especially in places such as Fort William, where, beneath Scotland's highest mountain, Ben Nevis, it is more likely than not to be raining! This has given rise to a number of jokes about the weather:
It only rains twice in Fort William - October to May, and June to September
What comes after two straight days of rain in Fort William? Monday morning.
What do you call two weeks of rain in Fort William? An Indian Summer
How do the locals predict the weather in Fort William? If you can see Ben Nevis, it's going to rain. If you can't see Ben Nevis, it's raining.
"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?" "Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "At the moment we have ice axes in one hand and T-shirts in the other and we are not sure which to put on display".
Quote from the owner of an outdoor sports shop in Fort William trying to cope with the mild winter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following item came from a Web site about Airdrie:
Wee Harry, a tiny wee man, used to push an enormous barrow around the streets of Airdrie and was credited with many humorous quips. As Harry struggled to climb South Bridge Street with his barrow, a well intentioned onlooker said "where there's a will, there's a way", to which Harry replied "Aye, and where there's a hill, there's a brae". (Some readers may not know that in Scotland a "brae" is a hill...)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Alford, Aberdeenshire, a small boy was one of the contestants at a children's cookery contest. The judge made a great show of tasting his iced cakes and saying how delicious they were. He glowed with pride. Then the judge asked how he had managed to get such a lovely gloss on the icing. How had he managed that? "I lick them" he replied.
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