Scottish Humour
- Thoughtful
The Dunmore Pineapple. A heated conservatory in the shape of a fruit.
Here's some humour which may make you stop and think as well as smile.
The announcement that the Spanish architect Enric Miralles is to build the new Scottish parliament building has generated a lot of comment in the Scottish Culture newsgroups, including input from Christopher Bruce and Chris Cooke whose conversation ran along these lines: "Scotland on Sunday reported this week that Miralles thinks it would be neat to have the seats in the debating chamber on movable hydraulic platforms, so that the chamber could be reconfigured into different shapes for different occasions - e.g. one day a horseshoe, next day a Westminster-style shoebox shape, and with the ability to highlight party affiliation by making distinct gaps between the seats of the different groups." "That sounds good if it also has the ability to drop the lot of them in the sea!" "Interesting concept - parliament loses a vote of confidence and swoosh, the members all get automatically washed out to sea." "Maybe such an event could be dubbed a "Gardeloo vote" as the Parliament is based in Edinburgh. Sound historical precedent."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "If Scotland's so marvellous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When an old lady was asked why she had suddenly taken to studying the Bible so assiduously, she replied "I'm studying for my finals".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wee Hughie gave up being an atheist as soon as he discovered there were no holidays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jimmy has had a stereo system in his motor car for years - his wife in the front and her mother in the back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A comment on the coalition agreement between Labour and Liberal Democrats to form the new Scottish government - "I suppose ye're bound tae hiv horse trading tae get a stable government".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ James took his collie to a flea circus and the clever dog stole the show....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rab was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Davie is not really a liar. He just arranges the truth in his favour.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sandy was only five feet tall. He reckoned it was due to his diet as a child - condensed milk and shortbread...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The follow-up to the book "Silence of the Lambs" is not being called "Hannibal" in Scotland. Instead, the title will be "Shut up ewes Two."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An advertisement in an Edinburgh newspaper read "For sale. Genuine leopard-skin coat. Spotless condition."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An angler's wife asked her husband for some money and he gave her two fifties, two twenties, three tenners and a fiver. She threw the small one back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Notice seen in a field in the north of Scotland: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Notice in an office in Edinburgh: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are probably better cures for a head cold than a hot toddy of whisky - but who cares?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jock showed he was planning for the future yesterday. He bought two cases of beer instead of one.
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