Scottish Humour
- Wit of the Scots
Cover of the book "Wit of the Scots"
Author Gordon Irving produced a book many years ago entitled "The Wit of the Scot" which brought together many amusing anecdotes and stories about Scotland. The book is unfortunately out of print, but here are a few of the items which appeared in it. Gordon has also written "Take No Notice" - a collection of amusing signs and notices, such as that in a bookshop which said: "Curdle Up With A Good Murder Mystery."
When a tradesman finishes a job at a house in Scotland, it is an old custom to offer him a wee drink. 'Would you like a wee dram " the lady-of-the-house asked a joiner. 'A wouldna' say No,' he replied.
The lady produced the bottle. 'How do you like it, Sandy?' she asked.
He replied: Half whisky and half water. An' pit in plenty o' water.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Proclamation from the pulpit of Luss Church, on Loch Lomondside:
0 yiss! 0 yiss! 0 yiss! There will be no Lord's Day here next Sabbath, because the Laird's wife will have a muckle washin', and she needs the kirk to dry her claes in.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A modern young girl in Edinburgh remarked "What I find wonderful is how my mother learned all the things she keeps telling me to avoid".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The minister of a wee church in the Scottish Highlands was preaching a strong sermon about the evils of drink, and kept telling the congregation not to imbibe too frequently. He concluded:
"We'll no' mak' this sermon owre personal, but if a short, bald-headed laird sittin' in the corner o' the east gallery pew tak's it to himsel', I canna help it."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The old Scotsman was asked by a friend what he thought of his nearest neighbour. He replied:
"Och, weel, he's a decent-like lad, but he's no' exactly a temperance man. He was sittin' there juist drinkin' an' drinkin', until I could scarcely see him."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other:
"John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - the t'ither ane's no' there!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The wind that blows so fiercely at the top of the famous Waverley Steps leaving the main railway station in Edinburgh has given rise to this description of an Edinburgh man:
He can be recognised by one particular mannerism - whenever he turns a corner, he puts his hand up to his hat.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old Scots minister, stressing to his congregation the wisdom of repentance, remarked: "Yes, my friends, unless ye repent, ye shall all perish, just as surely as I'm gaun tae ding the guts oot o' that muckle blue flea that's lichtit on my Bible." As he was about to strike, the fly got away, whereupon the Scot struck the book with all his strength and exclaimed:
"My frien's, there's a chance fur ye yet!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This sign was seen on the wall of a park at Newbattle House, near Edinburgh:
Any person entering this enclosure will be shot and prosecuted.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mrs Mary McInroy, of Perth, in the Scottish Highlands, chose a name for her son's home in Perth, Australia:
'Emahroo'. It spells 'Oor Hame' backwards.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young reporter from Glasgow was flown out by his newspaper to cover the after-effects of a particularly violent earthquake in south-east Europe. He filed a graphic story which opened: "God sat on a mountain-top here today, and looked down on a scene of. . ." The reporter got a cable back by return from his editor in Glasgow.
It said: "Forget earthquake, man! Interview God."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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